I long to look more like my Savior who was satisfied not with what He saw but in His Father. He was always content, but never complacent. Always busy, but never stressed. Always in want, but never in need. Never self-seeking...always wanting what the Father wanted...always doing what the Father...even saying what the Father wanted.
But I can see that I was different last week. It's not a surprise that it came now, three games into the season. I start off at a sprint with thoughts and words like I expressed here...but then comes this part and it's like I hit a hill...a long, long hill. Some sweet ladies that I meet with one morning asked how they could pray for me. I told them that they could pray that I would believe my own blog postings! The Lord has used those words from a friend today to shine light in my heart's dark places...I lived last week with greed. I wanted more than the Lord provided...more time with Wayne, more help around the house and with the homework, more rest, more money...more...more...more...
I can see the movement that God has done in my life over the years. I was one who from childhood lived always wanting more than she had. God's grace has moved me to the path of becoming a woman who wants what God gives. I long to be the woman who desires what, and only what, the Lord provides, who has learned the secret of being content...I can truly do all things through Christ who strengthens me. But not last week. Last week was a blast from the past. A woman who lived each moment wanting more than the Lord provided. With that comes weariness, seeking after gain for myself, stealing rest when I should be working, then struggling to catch up which causes stress in me and in my family. And I know where it leads...from greed to fear. Self-protective, words that seek to be filled up rather than giving out, anxiety about the girls, the money, the house, the future...which lead me to greater greediness to get from this world so that I can be free of the fear.
How I long for the attitude of a wise man named Agur from Proverbs 30. He has the humility I need:
1The words of Agur son of Jakeh. The oracle.
The man declares, I am weary, O God;
I am weary, O God, and worn out.
2Surely I am too stupid to be a man.
I have not the understanding of a man.
3I have not learned wisdom,
nor have I knowledge of the Holy One.
7Two things I ask of you;
deny them not to me before I die:
8Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
9lest I be full and deny you
and say, "Who is the LORD?"
or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God.
A life lived before God, with God and to His glory. A life free of greed and fear. That'd be a better week! One in which my girls could taste and see that the Lord is good. One in which my husband would know no lack of gain. Small steps today will lead to large gains in my life...beginning with a little faith and generosity.