Wow. Really?? I was so thrilled. We canceled some plans we'd made. Cleared the calendar 'cause Daddy's home! Nothing comes before that! The ladies I was going to meet with were so glad for us. They are walking with me through this year. They understand what this means for us. (If you're not sure what it's like, just click here.) I took Aisley and Brennan to their babysitting job at a friend's house when the phone rang. It's Wayne. Couldn't be coming home already, could he? Wouldn't that be something! Early to come home and a morning off! How quick my bubble burst...coach just told them to be there at normal time tomorrow. No morning off.
My mind went immediately to the truth God had shown me so many years before. If I hadn't expected it, I'd have been fine. He's never home on a Monday morning. This one isn't any different. Except for that little expectation. So I had a fight last night with my flesh. The sons of Korah's words rang within me from Psalm 42:5-6...
Why are you cast down, O my soul,Martyn Lloyd-Jones called that kind of talk "preaching to yourself". Take yourself in hand, he'd say. Question yourself. Pull yourself back from stumbling and turn your eyes back to God.
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
What came to me as I lived and prayed with God that evening is how I cling to wanting what it is clear that God doesn't not want. Christ prayed in the garden...take this cup from me, yet not my will but yours be done. He went in sorrowful and troubled, the Word tells us. But He arose from that time, ready...willing...steadfast...strong. Rise, He told them, let's go.
What that says to me is that when He prayed "not my will, but your be done"...He meant it. He wanted what the Father wanted more than He wanted anything else. He went to His Father, asked for what He wanted...I did that, too. Father, I want Wayne home tomorrow. I want him to spend time with his girls. I want talk to him, tell him all that's been going on around us and within me. Please. Let him stay home. I even did that second part, just like Jesus. But Father, I want what you want more than anything. Sort of. Well, not really. Really, I just want Wayne home. I want what I can see. I want...I want...I want...
That was my battle last night. Competing wants. Do I want what the Father wants? Do I want anything more? What does it mean in me that I still want what the Father has said no to? It means that I don't know Him like my Savior knew Him. He's a good Father who knows how to give good gifts to His children. He loves me, loves my girls, loves my husband. He doesn't withhold any good thing from us. His plans prosper me, not harm me. He gave His Son to seal the argument...if He'll give up the treasure of heaven, will He not together with Him freely give me all things?
What this means is that my prayer continually must turn from give me to the prayer Jesus never prayed...Father, let me see you clearly so that I may love you truly and trust You in everything You do in my life. Give me sight Father to behold Your glory so that I might be changed into the likeness of Your Son just one degree. Give me satisfaction in You...in Your plans...in Your ways so that I might be one who looks like Jesus. Wean me, Father, from a desire for anything that is different than what you give that you might be my all...in all...all ways, all times, all places, all circumstances. Change my I want...to I want You. For the sake of Your Name.